What the FLIP Am I Doing?!
Do you ever ask yourself that? “What am I doing?” Or if you’re really going through it, you’re like me and you go “WHAT THE FLIP AM I DOING?!” It’s real ya’ll. I think we all do it sometimes. Life gets wild. We feel lost, not in control, broke, broken, tired, frustrated… As I write those words, I’m thinking “wow, way to use the most overused and relatable words” but honestly, those have been my words for awhile.
The last 6 months externally haven’t looked too different. I work 2 jobs. I have at least 1 band practice a week (either P&SS or ML). I stay out or up too late AT LEAST 1 night a week. I sleep in too long AT LEAST twice a week. I don’t get enough done but I roll with it and keep moving. Band practice is good! It’s always a fun time and it’s important when you are also recording and getting ready to book shows. Sometimes I’m up too late because I can’t sleep. Usually it’s because I’m at a show or being social (which surprisingly I am finding I have a limit. Is this what growing up feels like?!). I sleep in too late because I tell myself “I don’t NEED to be up at 7am, 8:30am is fine.” But then I’m rushing out and feel behind for the first 2 hours of my day. Then due to all of those factors, the “To Do List” (that dreadful and wicked thing) falls behind and by the end of the week I’m going “welp…at least I got a few things done…these other 500 things can wait.” But, outside of a very short list of people, you’d never know this. My life looks GREAT. I do all the things, things I genuinely enjoy and am passionate about. I have 2 jobs that I LOVE (my church and Sabbath Coffee!) and I love the people I work with. I have a long list of people I love dearly and care about and do my best to communicate with them (calls and texts) and of course spend time with them! I’ve had some cool things happen in my music career the last 2 years, and even though it’s not where I thought I would be (there will be a blog about having your band breakup 2 weeks before graduation and questioning your existence sometime in the future) I’m still playing shows, solo, with my band Poems & Short Stories, and Fill Wickhamm & the Step Downs. Plus, I’m learning more in the studio and as frustrating as it can be, I see where it’s going to be worth it. Externally, my life looks GREAT. But internally…
The last 6 months internally have been ugly. Knocking at the door was reality. It kept knocking and yelling “you can’t run forever. You know you can’t keep living like this. You aren’t happy and the more you keep doing all this the less it works but you keep denying it.” I felt stressed, drained, and unsure. There was more than a glimmer of hope, however, there was a sky full of it. I simply wasn’t looking at it. Often times there is an answer and there is help, guidance, hope and love so close to us, but we get distracted. My distraction was starting this year with the end of it in sight. (We will unpack this idea down the road, because I think it’s loaded with perspective. If 12 blogs go by and I still haven’t addressed it, come at me!) I had established “I’m 99% sure this is where things are going so let’s just get there.” WOW. GREAT ATTITUDE. I have loosely hinted on some of my posts that I get the new year blues sometime in January. I call it sad season. It usually comes every year. (Yes, there has been a song in the works, probably 2027!) I kept waiting for it this year and it never came! At first, I thought it was a sign of “yeah, I got this. I already know what’s going to happen. DUH.” Now looking back, I think sadness looked at me and went “LOSER. YOU AREN’T WORTH MY TIME THIS YEAR! YOU THINK YOU GOT THIS? GO AHEAD! HAHAHA!”
I started the year strong. I tried something new this year and took a vacation in January. I went to Florida! I’ve been on this earth 34 years and never made it to the Sunshine State until 2026…CRAZY. But unlike 55% of Michiganders, I LOVE winter! So there was part of me that felt odd leaving winter for much warmer weather. But as the wise Fill Wickhamm says, “When God gives you gravy, put all your biscuits in it.” With that in mind, I took the opportunity to go to Florida. (I have an AMAZING family. My Mom, Aunt & Uncle are to thank for Florida and I love them for it!) It was a great trip! I met up with some friends, went to an NHL game (Thanks again Garrick!) and got to meet a musical hero of mine, Stephen Christian from Anberlin at the church he pastors in Clearwater. My Mom and I got to see manatees through glass bottom kayaks. My Mom, Aunt, Uncle and I went on an airboat ride and saw SO MANY GATORS. Florida was an absolute treat! We got an extra day there too thanks to the snow back home! The rest of January and February were spent doing what I always do. Work. Band practice. Studio. Work. Driving. Work. Food. Shows. Hockey game. WORK. Hanging out with friends. WORK WORK. February took a pleasant turn…
I was extremely honored to get booked for 2 shows in February. One thing I am hopeful for in 2026 is to play more shows, but also play more meaningful shows. The first was at Promenade in Trenton, MI with Real Face and Sam Ule on their tour. Both of these guys are not just amazing artists (you NEED to check out their music!) but LOVELY humans. I was truly blessed to have deep conversations with both of them that I am still thinking about. The second was one of the most well ran and memorable shows I’ve played in my 20 years of doing this. WINTER WIND DOWN FEST. My good friend Nate and I drove 7.5 hours to Williamsport Pennsylvania (I didn’t know it was a real place until the fest), got in at 2:30am to a house we had never been to, got very little sleep, then woke up and went to WWDF. This weekend and experience was exactly what I needed, even though I didn’t know I needed it. God does cool stuff like that.
Why was WWDF so great? OMG LET ME TELL YOU! First, THE ARTISTS. So much talent. So much honesty. So much artistry! (you NEED to check out Anna Owens, Outward Conversation, Rusty Vining, Visitor Pass, Darlington, My Heart, My Anchor, Chris Bernstorf, Real Face, Gaffer Project, and Kevin Schlereth!) Second, WWDF takes care of their performers. We had a delicious meal, tons of snacks and beverages, and FREE COFFEE! (Josh Stone you are THE MAN!) Third, there was so much support from the artists for the artists. So many of us watched each other’s sets and the conversations and encouragements were genuine. No egos, just human connection. Fourth, the set up for the whole event (the venue, schedule, all of it!) was so smooth and the hard work and intentionality did NOT go unnoticed. Thanks to Josh & Kendra Mozug and the rest of the WWDF crew for all you did putting this fest together and making it run so well! All of this fed my soul and got me so excited for what 2026 could hold for Mi Landing playing more shows. The highlight for me as an artist was seeing people respond to my music (shouting for their favorite shoutout in Thank You Sydney), singing along on the “Baba badada" on Garden State, and specifying things they liked about my set. I left WWDF with a full heart, a lifted spirit, and excitement about the future. Yes, the future. That thing I said I had figured out for the year.
If you’ve read this far, THANK YOU. There’s a point to be made so please keep reading! Here’s the point…
I live a good life. I am blessed in so many ways and on the average day I am NOT thankful enough for how much God has given me. I have let my concerns and insecurity about my future drive me away from confronting the fear, so I have spent many months having fun, but being busy and keeping myself distracted and living in fear of “what IF the future is actually WAAAAAAY better than now?!” On the outside, things look good. On the inside, the air is running out and it’s getting harder to breath and I am so flipping tired. Sometimes we ask ourselves the same questions over and over but the truth is we don’t actually want the answers because that would take ACTION. Action can mean CHANGE. I’m almost 35, there’s been enough change, and now I have to have more? PASS. I keep asking “How long do I have to work 2 jobs? When will the music career finally take off? What am I supposed to quit? How can I quit when there’s so much to do? Does that last question even make sense?!” I say I want answers, but there is no action. There is no willingness to truly search for wisdom and courage to act on that wisdom. There is part of me that wants to FLIP things. But more of me is painfully comfortable with the fear. So…what do I do?
First, GET HONEST. I used to think talking out my thoughts (by myself, I try not to subject innocent people to the chaos of my mind!) was weird. Maybe it is, but it helps me. I finally took some time to be alone and get out all the thoughts in my head. It was brutal. But it was needed, and it was so helpful. Second, PRAY. I spent some time praying, asking God to help me, admitting I was struggling, asking for forgiveness, and asking for peace. AMAZING HOW MUCH BETTER I FELT. Third, identify the fears and Identify what is causing them. Fourth, make a plan. What steps can you take to get past the fear and move closer to bettering things? What are you truly willing to sacrifce to make things better? What can you FLIP because it’s killing you and you need to put it in the ground. What can you FLIP because they need light from the sky of hope and when they start growing you’re going to grow.
So, what the flip am I doing? Going from flipping out to flipping things over. Stepping out in faith. Surrending fears and doubt and walking in the truth that despite the imperfect human I am, I am loved by God and people in my life. I am given so much grace every day and I need to be better about giving it back. I don’t have all the answers, why would I want them? It has been refreshing the last week and half to not be severely mentally drained. It has been so nice that the anxiety has slowed in my head so I can fall asleep. SO THANKFUL to be getting good sleep. Please do not think I went from the depths to the mountaintop, because in no way is that the case. I’m not drowning anymore, but we are still swimming. But my head is above water, and my mind isn’t flooded. Hope is a great feeling (it’s more than a feeling…yes, you should go listen to Boston now!). I know myself well enough to know if I flipped something over into the light, I can sadly flip it back over to the darkness again. But maybe this time I can look back and act quicker, wiser, and find the light sooner.
I still have questions about my wild life. I’m still tired at times. I don’t want to work 2 jobs forever even if I love them both and love the people. I’m still going to play shows, even if I never get the hit song, the sold out crowd, or a billion streams (which is significantly less money than you think it is haha). But if I could play shows like WWDF and Promenade once a month and connect with artists and humans and drink coffee and have deep and meaningful conversations, I would gladly do it. If I can keep being impacted by and hopefully making an impact on the people at my church, I’m going to keep doing it. It has definitely challenged me in the almost 3 years of being there, but there has been growth to come from it and I know we’re not done. If I can keep driving all around metro Detroit delivering fresh roasted coffee beans to the wonderful customers of Sabbath Coffee (did I mention how cool the owner is? We used to be in a band! He’s probably not going to be happy when I write that blog but he can’t fire me so hahaha jokes on you T!) and eating lunch at Orchid Brunch (if you haven’t been there yet you NEED to go, tell them Paul sent you!) every Friday, I’m going to keep on driving.
Life gets wild. We will feel lost, not in control, broke, broken, tired, and frustrated. What can you flip to get better? Maybe it’s your faith. Maybe it’s a job. Maybe it’s a relationship. Maybe it’s being brutally honest with yourself about your fears and making a plan. As one of my favorite songwriters Ben Rector says, “Learn to dance with the fear you’ve been running from.” Flip fear on its stupid head and bury it. Life IS wild. But it’s SO beautiful!
Externally, I think things look the same. Internally, I’ve flipped. Thank God!
THANK YOUS- A special thanks to Chris Bernstorf for telling me to apply for WWDF and for booking me at Promenade. Chris is one of the best poets and one of the most powerful performers I’ve seen. He has quickly become a friend and you should definitely check out his poetry. Thanks again to the WWDF crew and artists who performed. I’m still feeling it, let’s do it again sometime! And of course, thanks to all of you who read this. Expect a monthly blog moving forward, I’ve already got the titles planned for the end of the year! Oh, you want a sneak peek? OKAY!
Jesus Emo (April)
Good Grief, God, & Remembering My Father (May)
2 Decades Under Much Inspiration (June)
What If the What Ifs Were True? (July)
Good Idea! Too Bad You Won’t Do it (August)
Not Plain White Band T’s (September)
19 Years of “I Don’t Drink” and How I’m Still Messed Up (October)
That One Time I Missed Thanksgiving (November)
Another One Down (December)
Stay tuned. Through the ups and downs we go!
-Paul